


Emotions are dangerous temptations

by Hannah_Girl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caretaking, F/M, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Polyamory, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2020-12-17 06:23:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21049778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannah_Girl/pseuds/Hannah_Girl
Summary: Castiel and Sam bond while being caretakers for those they love. Castiel is caring for an ailing Hannah and Sam is caring for Dean. As Castiel falls in love for the first time, he soon realizes that he's not just falling in love with one person.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Please note that tags may change as the story goes. Things evolve, things get darker, angstier, etc. If there are any trigger warnings that pop up, I will warn of the particular chapter and I will change the tags accordingly. So just keep that in mind, that I don’t necessarily know how dark things will get at this point as I tend to let my muse do the writing. Also, note that side pairings are often known to change in my stories too, so be aware of that as I will alter the tags for that too. Nothing is certain.

Castiel lay in the dirt where he had fallen, listening to the cries of pain from inside. He squirmed and struggled, using every bit of his strength to try to get up, but he could hardly lift his head. His eyelids felt heavy, every muscle ached. His borrowed grace had been spent, and Adina's beating had sapped what little strength remained. He was dying.

If it were just his life, he wouldn't be so determined. After all, as he told Metatron, he'd made peace with his fate, whatever it might be. He regretted taking another angel's grace to save himself, and now he was paying the price, perhaps he deserved it. After all, it was his grace in Metatron's hands that caused the fall. He didn't know how he could ever forgive himself for what he'd done, what he'd allowed to happen. It seemed no matter how much he tried to help, angels suffered, and perhaps his death would be the last gift he could give them.

But his life wasn't the only one at stake here. Dean, Sam, Hannah. They all needed him right now. Hannah's screams of pain from inside the convenience store reminded him of that. Adina was hurting her. She was taking revenge for what Castiel had done to Daniel. It was yet another thing Castiel had done to his fellow angels. He really couldn't blame Adina for wanting him dead, but he couldn't let her continue to torture Hannah.

"Hannah…" he groaned as another scream came from the store. Then another. Then a louder, more pain-filled cry made Castiel squirm on the ground all the more. Whatever Adina was doing, Hannah was hurting. Castiel couldn't allow it to continue. Would his last moments of life be spent laying here listening to Hannah die in agony?

It was then that Castiel heard the crunch of grass as someone approached. He was surprised with Crowley appeared in his field of vision, peering down at him.

"Hey, Champ," Crowley mused as he looked down at the pitiful sight before him. "Look at you. Talk about roadkill." Castiel groaned as he watched Crowley stride casually into the convenience store, angel blade in hand. Hope surged through him as he watched the demon disappear inside.

Moments later, there was a muffled cry from inside, and Crowley reappeared at the door. He hurried to Castiel's side and pulled the angel up into his arms, almost tenderly. As if he was cradling a dying comrade. He produced the vial of angel grace. Castiel shook his head. He'd not benefit from another angel's death, he refused.

"Yes, it's hers, but she was killing your girlfriend," Crowley assured him, putting the vial to the angel's lips. "Your hands are clean." Castiel finally absorbed the grace, and as it coursed through him, he felt stronger.

Crowley moved back as Castiel healed and got to his feet. A temporary fix, he knew, but for now, he could help Hannah, he could save Dean. He looked at Crowley. He owed his and Hannah's life to the king of hell. He'd never seen that coming.

"You owe me," he said, among other things before disappearing. Castiel turned his attention to the convenience store. Hannah was still inside. Quickly, he dashed to the doorway and surveyed the scene. The little store was destroyed, shelves had been ruined, candy and food littered the ground.

"Hannah?" he called, looking frantically for her. The sound of labored breathing brought him further into the store. He found Adina's crumpled form in front of the cashier counter, the shadow of her broken wings spread out on the floor. He sighed. Another angel was dead — one who had hostile intentions towards them, but still an angel.

"Castiel," came Hannah's pain hitched voice. She finally came into view from around a fallen shelf. The sight of her alive and standing filled him with relief… that is until he saw her pale complexion as she stumbled towards him. He surveyed the wounds on her face and neck, the cuts and wounds on her arms and legs. He moved towards her, holding a hand out to heal her… and as his eyes fell on her torso, he paled. An angel blade was impaled in her side, and the blue glow of angel grace leaked out alongside blood. As he looked closer, there seemed to be a strange green glow illuminating the wound, some kind of substance he didn't recognize.

Hannah promptly collapsed, falling forward, and Castiel caught her in his arms. She groaned softly, pain etched on her face.

Panic and fear gripped Castiel as he tried to remain calm. He lowered her onto the ground. "I need to look," he warned her. She only nodded, whimpering in pain. 

"She said nothing could cure it," Hannah breathed through gritted teeth. "Castiel, you must leave me… after all, you have other priorities."

Castiel winced at that, remembering his own words, warning her of emotions, feelings, and how they could be distractions. And now his own emotions and feelings were doing just that. "I know," he said slowly. "I know what I said, but… I'm not going to leave you here. Now tell me what did Adina say to you? What can't be cured?"

"Poison," Hannah swallowed as Castiel pulled the bottom of her blouse up around the blade so he could see the wound better. "She said… it was poisoned…"

"Your grace…" Castiel murmured as he saw the blue essence leaking from the wound. The blade remained impaled deep in her body, and blood oozed out around it. "I'm no doctor I don't know how to treat your vessel… but your grace is diminishing… this blade must come out, but I don't think it would be a good idea to do it here."

Thinking quickly, Castiel grabbed a rag from the shelf and wrapped it around the wound, pressing hard. He took her hand and placed it over the cloth. "Hold it tight," he said. "It won't stop the bleeding, but it will contain your grace." Hannah nodded. The pitiful whimpering she uttered froze Castiel's very soul. The crippling pain was evident in her pretty blue eyes as she gazed up at him.

Any human would be in a great deal of pain from this kind of terrible wound. But an angel being pierced with an angel blade, even just a scrape, caused immense suffering to the very core of an angel's being. Angels were hard to kill, but they could feel pain, feel it at a molecular level, in a more profound way than humans could.

As Castiel carefully gathered Hannah into his arms, her body trembled with pain. He held her as gently as he could as he carried her out of the store and to his car. "Hold on, Hannah," he implored urgently as he pulled the passenger door opened and lay her down in the seat. She only responded with a yelp as the movement, as careful as he was trying to be, jarred her wound.

As Castiel positioned her in the seat and tried to make her more comfortable, he gently brushed a finger against her cheek and moved her face to look at him. Her eyes, wide with pain, searched his.

"I don't understand," she breathed, confusion in her eyes. "Castiel… you are willing to die for your causes… you'd rather die than go to Metatron or to use another angel's grace. You said your priorities are to hunting the rogues and helping the Winchesters. Yet… your actions and your words aren't the same. Why not leave me?"

Castiel hesitated. He didn't have a good answer to that. The logical angel in him perhaps would have left Hannah in the store if he thought she was beyond saving. He would have put her out of her misery at the very least. But the Castiel who felt things, who had grown to love Sam and Dean, who had learned what friendship truly meant, who had learned about compassion and loyalty and love, did not want Hannah to die. The last few days spent with her hunting the rogues through his own ailment, seeing her learn about humanity through him and his own actions, it stirred something within him.

"I've reassessed my priorities," he finally told her. "I'm going to save you."

"Why?" she prompted.

"Because you are my friend," Castiel explained. "And if there is anything that the Winchesters have shown me, it's that friendship and family come before all other priorities. Even heaven's. So hold on, Hannah…" She only nodded, and he quickly closed the door and hurried around to the driver's seat, slamming on the gas as soon as he was able to.

Castiel drove with determination and urgency. Not only for Hannah's sake but for Sam and Dean's. Dean was a demon; if Sam weren't able to cure him, they'd have to… Castiel winced. No, they had to be successful. Castiel refused to entertain the possibility that Dean was going to die too. He could lose Hannah; he could lose Dean, perhaps Sam also. His friends, his family. He couldn't let that happen.


	2. Chapter 2

When Castiel finally pulled up in front of the bunker, Sam was waiting for him at the entrance. He sighed with relief when he saw the angel but frowned when he saw the woman slumped against the passenger door.

“Sam,” Cas got out of the car quickly and hurried around to the passenger door and slowly opened it, catching Hannah before she tumbled out of the vehicle. She groaned and whimpered, and Sam winced at the sight. She was covered in blood, and Sam couldn’t miss the angel blade protruding from her abdomen.

“Help me get her inside,” Castiel pleaded as he moved to pick Hannah up. Sam shook his head and put a gentle hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “No,” he said. “I can’t let her go in there just yet.”

“What?” the angel gave Sam an incredulous and almost hurt look, but then as he glanced towards the entrance, he lowered his voice. “Where’s Dean?”

“Dean’s loose in the bunker,” Sam explained as he knelt to help the angel. “He broke out of his restraints, and the demon trap can’t contain him anymore. He’s dangerous…”

“Sam,” Cas tried again, pleadingly, and Sam felt guilty. He didn’t know what to do, he hated to see Cas’s friend suffer so much, and hated to see Castiel in such distress, and he hated that he had to ask him to put her care aside for now, but he didn’t see that he had any other choice.

“I can’t let you bring her inside just yet,” Sam insisted. “I’ve spent the last hour trying to evade Dean while he’s tried to bash my brains in with a hammer. I need you to help me catch him first.”

Castiel was reluctant. Sam couldn’t blame him, Hannah was in agony, she squirmed in her seat as Cas eased her back into the car. She groaned and whimpered at the slightest movement, and the prairie sun was bearing down on them. Leaving her out here in a hot car was less than ideal. But right now, and Sam had a hard time stomaching this reality, he didn’t trust his brother.

  
“Look, Dean’s locked in there, for now, he can’t get out,” Sam explained as Castiel worked to make Hannah more comfortable. “But he’s probably tearing the place apart trying to get out. He could be right outside the door waiting for us for all I know. He’ll hurt her if he has half the chance.” Castiel glanced back at Hannah, whose big eyes were wide with pain as she gazed up at him.

  
“Here,” Sam moved forward. “Let me at least take a look first. What happened to her?” Castiel moved back a little but hovered protectively as Sam leaned into the car door frame to get a better look. It was challenging with his arm in a sling, but Cas helped steady her. When Sam glanced around at her immediate surroundings, he saw the blood-stained clothes and the seat beneath her. There was a rag gathered around the handle of the blade.

  
“She was stabbed with an angel blade,” Castiel explained. Sam squinted up at him, “yeah, I gathered that part,” he said. Castiel sighed, “she said it had been poisoned. The wound is leaking grace, and there is a strange green substance. I was afraid to remove it.”

  
“Hey,” Sam said gently to Hannah as he leaned into the car and glanced at her, giving her a small smile. “I’m just going to take a look, okay?” Hannah nodded, whimpering as her body trembled from the pain. She’d demonstrated in the past that she didn’t trust the Winchesters and didn’t particularly approve of their relationship with Cas, but as she met eyes with the other angel, he nodded, and she turned back to Sam. “Do what you must,” she said, her voice hitched with pain.

  
Sam nodded and carefully, and as gently as he could be, as Castiel hovered behind him, observing, almost protectively, he unraveled the rag with his good hand and looked carefully at the wound. As soon as the cloth was off, glowing blue angel grace began to snake lazily out of the wound. Blood poured out as well. Sam winced in sympathy before glancing at Castiel, “we could try to remove the blade,” he suggested, looking up at Cas. “Normally, you’d have a doctor do that, but since she’s an angel, you both can heal yourselves, can’t you?”

Castiel nodded. “I’m not sure what kind of poison or enchantment is at work here,” he said.

  
“I… I can’t,” Hannah breathed, coughing on a breath.

  
“Can’t what, Hannah?” Castiel asked, leaning in over Sam’s shoulder.

  
“Heal… already tried.” She coughed harshly, tremors moving through her body. Her skin had begun to take a faint, pale greenish-blue hue.

  
“Take it out,” Castiel urged a tone of desperation in his voice that Sam had never heard before in the typically calm angel. Sam turned to glance at him over his shoulders, and he saw fear there. Castiel’s blue eyes met his hazel ones for a moment, and they almost pleaded with him. “I received more grace, but it won’t last long. I can’t heal her fully. Please, Sam…”

  
Sam nodded and braced himself. Thanks to his father’s lessons on being a hunter, both he and Dean were skilled in advanced first aid, but he always dreaded this part. Hurting people through the process of helping them. He didn’t like causing anyone pain, even if it was for their own good.

  
“I’m going to try to make this quick,” he told Hannah, meeting her eyes. “I know it hurts, but we’re going to take care of you, alright?” Hannah nodded before looking up at Castiel, meeting his eyes.

  
“It’s going to be okay, Hannah,” the angel assured her, then reached out and grabbed her hand, holding it tight. “If you feel the need to break my hand, you may.”

  
Sam couldn’t help but smile and would have found the situation slightly amusing if it weren’t so dire. Castiel didn’t understand various aspects of human behavior, and he often didn’t understand emotions well, though he’d certainly managed to develop the ability to have feelings, he didn’t always know how to express them. It often left him scrambling for the right words, the right actions to use in various situations. Though he’d come a long way since Sam had first met him years ago, he still struggled. But it was clear that Hannah’s suffering and peril affecting him deeply, and he wanted to provide comfort to her any way that he could.

  
“Distract her,” Sam instructed as he made more room for the angel who promptly crawled further into the car door frame. His body blocked Sam from Hannah’s view, and she concentrated on him.

  
“Hannah, were you aware that without bees, there wouldn’t be any burgers or burritos?”

  
“Burgers?” Hannah gasped, and Sam smirked. Cas had a fascination with bees and the natural world, and he knew burgers and burritos were among Dean’s favorite foods. Sam winced at the thought of his brother, locked in the bunker. He needed Sam to be there for him and to take care of him, even if it was something Dean couldn’t admit right now in his present condition. It was Sam’s turn to be the big brother.

  
Sam took his chance while Hannah was distracted by Cas’s lecture on the importance of bees. He took hold of the hilt of the angel blade and pulled hard, pulling it free of the angel woman’s flesh.

  
Hannah cried out loudly, her body arched in the sudden agony. Castiel was there to pull her against him, hugging her against him as Sam examined the now opened wound.

The trickle of angel grace and blood quickly became a flow, “heal her, quick,” Sam instructed. Castiel nodded and placed a hand over the wound, letting his angelic energy glow through his hand to Hannah. The wound closed enough to stop the bleeding and the loss of grace, but it didn’t seem to help Hannah much. She was still in agony, and her skin still had a greyish blue hue to it. The area around the wound remained deeply bruised, indicating internal bleeding of her vessel.

  
Sam frowned and looked at Castiel, who, in turn, looked Hannah over, concern in his eyes. “I don’t know what kind of poison we are dealing with,” Castiel murmured as Hannah’s head listed to the side as she struggled to stay conscious.

  
“We need to get her inside,” Sam said as he moved back out of the car and stood up. “But first, Dean.”

  
Castiel was still reluctant to leave Hannah in the car, but he finally nodded. He turned to Hannah. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he explained softly as he squeezed her hand in between both of his. “Please… don’t go anywhere.” Hannah nodded weakly.

  
“Hurry…” she whispered. With that, Castiel pushed the car door shut, securing Hannah inside, and he and Sam turned to their next task at hand; Dean.


	3. Chapter 3

Catching Dean and restraining him was no easy task. When Castiel followed Sam into the bunker, they were immediately on alert. Dean was a deadly hunter, but so was Sam. The two of them slunk slowly down the hall area, listening to any movement.

“Where are you, Sammy?” came Dean’s voice from somewhere up ahead. The bunker was massive, and there were many places to hide. “I’m getting tired of this game!”

“Sam, stand here,” Castiel said as he ducked into an empty closet. Sam looked at him, puzzled at first before realization dawned in his eyes.

“You want to use me as bait?” Sam questioned. Castiel thought on that, cocking his head to the side in confusion.

“Yes,” he replied bluntly. “Stand there. You claimed Dean wished to bash your brains in with a hammer. If you stand there, I’m sure he’ll find you.” Sam blinked.

“Um… okay, good idea,” Sam replied, raising a brow in ambivalence, and Castiel wondered if he had perhaps been a little too literal. But Sam went along with it, standing in the center of the hallway while Castiel hid in the darkness of the closet. “Uh, Dean!” he called. “I’m over here in the hallway. I know you don’t want to do this, I know you are still in there somewhere. Please, Dean-”

Sam was cut off when Dean suddenly appeared at the end of the hallway. Castiel ducked further into the closet but watched and waited.

“Heya, Sammy,” Dean chided. Castiel winced. There was none of the usual friendly banter that he knew of Dean. This Dean was cold, callous, and uncaring as he sauntered towards Sam, gripping a hammer tight in his hands. “Do I look stupid to you?”

“What are you talking about?” Sam stood there facing his brother while Dean glanced to the side, looking for what traps Sam might have set there. He wasn’t buying that Sam suddenly wanted to talk, knowing that Dean was trying to kill him.

“I’m just done running,” Sam said, stepping closer to Dean. “And if you really want it to end this way, if you think you’d be better off without me in your way then, go ahead. If you can kill your own brother, after everything we’ve been through, I’m not going to stop you.” Sam’s voice wavered slightly, heavy with emotion. He held his arms out to the side in surrender and lowered himself to his knees, gazing up at his brother.

Dean seemed to hesitate. But only for a moment. A cruel, twisted grin came over him as he lifted the hammer over Sam’s head. “Sorry, Sammy, it’s not going to work,” he said simply. The second he took a swing, Castiel launched out of his hiding spot, barreling into Dean before he could hurt Sam.

The angel and the demon crashed into the wall, and Sam scrambled to his feet, diving in to help. Dean struggled, trying to swing the hammer while Castiel wrestled with him. He was stronger than usual due to the demon inside of him, but he was no match for Cas. He still managed a few swings at Cas, the impacts of the hammer hitting him in the head and shoulder.

Castiel yanked the hammer out of Dean’s hands, blood pouring out of a gash in his forehead, which quickly healed itself. “You can’t bash my brains in, Dean,” he explained as he pinned the struggling Dean onto his back, straddling him. “Or did you forget that I’m an angel?”

Dean growled in frustration and rage. “Get off me!” he exclaimed, struggling with all his might as Castiel managed to flip him onto his stomach, pulling his arms back. “Let me go!”

“Sorry, Dean,” Sam knelt and secured Dean’s arms with handcuffs. “We have to do this.”

“No, you don’t!” Dean exclaimed as Castiel hoisted him up and dragged him back towards the dungeon. “You’re a hypocrite; you know that Sam! If you had any sense, you’d kill me now!”

“How am I a hypocrite, Dean?” Sam asked as he and Castiel shoved Dean into the chair and then slid it into one of the cells. They worked together to strap him to the chair.

“You said I only saved you because I didn’t want to be alone. That I did it for my own selfish reasons.” Dean snarled. “Well, look at what you’ve done. Sacrificing an innocent man to a demon? At least I don’t have that kind of blood on my hands!”

Castiel glanced at Sam with concern, “what is he talking about, Sam?” Sam turned away from him, focusing on finishing up with Dean’s restraints.

“Nothing,” Sam said quickly, clearing his throat. “Hey look, I think I can take it from here, you should go get Hannah. I’ll get started with the treatments, and I’ll try to research angel poisons.”

Castiel sighed, sensing something might have happened. He didn’t like the implications Dean was making, and the look on Sam’s face told him there might be some truth to what his brother was saying. He’d have to confront him about it later. Right now, Sam was right.

“Hannah?” Dean raised a brow at Cas as the angel looked him over. Castiel felt almost sick at the expression he got from Dean. His best friend, his family, there was nothing but hate in those eyes. “You got a girl in the car, Cas? Good, when I get out, I’ll kill her too. How’s that?”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Castiel offered sympathetically. “But we’re going to help you, I promise.” With that, he hurried out the door, feeling relieved to get out of that situation if only for a moment. He felt terrible for leaving Sam during this challenging time when it was clear that Sam was barely holding it together as it was, but seeing Dean suffering like he was, even if Dean himself couldn’t see it in his current condition, was heartbreaking.

But more heartbreak awaited Castiel when he finally made it back out to the car. He hurried to Hannah, opening the passenger door carefully and kneeling down. The sight he saw nearly broke him.

Hannah sat against her chair, shaking, her head lulled to one side, her hair shielding her face from view, but Castiel could make out the sickeningly greyish blue color of her skin and angry dark veins creeping up the side of her neck.

“Oh, Hannah…” he breathed as he reached over and gently pulled her face towards him. She gazed up at him through pain-filled, glazed over eyes. She could only whimper, an indication of the terrible pain she was in. “I’ve got you,” he said softly as he gathered her into his arms and hurried back into the bunker.

As soon as he opened the door, Castiel wanted to turn and run. From down in the depth of the dungeon, Dean cried out in pain, no doubt the result of Sam injecting him with the painful sanctified blood treatments. Castiel carried Hannah is his arms as he headed for the bedroom he often used when he resided in the bunker. Carefully, he lay her on the bed, draping a blanket over her.

“Castiel…” she gasped, her voice barely above a whisper. “Please, I can’t take the pain. You have to kill me. Please…” Castiel frowned at her begging. Quickly, he put a finger to her forehead and used his powers to sedate her. Her body fell limp as her eyes rolled up, and she passed out.

Castiel went about making Hannah more comfortable, taking off her overcoat, her shoes, tucking her into the bed. He leaned in close, getting a better look at the dark, thick, veins running up the sides of her neck and head. Lifting her blouse to look at the wound, he found it had healed over, but the veins crisscrossed her torso, running up and down the entire length of the sides of her body. For all his vast knowledge, this was something Castiel was utterly in the dark about. There were very few poisons out there that could hurt an angel, and he knew about all of them, but this was something different.

She could rest for now. His angelic sedation wouldn’t last long, and with his own borrowed grace, he wouldn’t be able to use that power, especially on another angel, for very long. But at least she was at peace for the time being. Castiel found himself sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her sleep. Conflicted feelings coursed through him. As an angel, feelings, emotions were still so confusing to him; he couldn’t quite understand what it was he was feeling now. Helplessness, frustration, heartache, and, most of all, fear. Fear that he was watching his closest friends die slow and painful.

Castiel never imagined that emotion could be so crippling. It was as if some unseen hand had him by the throat and was strangling him. It hurt. He hurt. He found it almost difficult to breathe; it was nearly physical. Angels didn’t feel emotion; he wasn’t supposed to feel like this! Silently, he begged for it to go away. Why was he feeling this way? Seeing Hannah suffer, seeing Dean suffer, seeing the emotional trauma in Sam’s eyes, and feeling it himself… was this what it was truly like to be human? If it was, then maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to emulate them. It seemed less painful just to shut away these turbulent emotions surging within him.

But he couldn’t turn them off. His friends needed him now; they needed him to be strong. He certainly didn’t feel strong right now, but he had to appear that way to them. He leaned in close, pressing his lips against Hannah’s cheek, a gesture he didn’t quite understand, but it felt right. It felt like the right thing to do, even though he knew she couldn’t sense him right now. “I’m going to save you,” he vowed, the determination he felt apparent in his voice. “I promise I’m going to save you, Hannah.”

She said nothing. Just slept. He got up and took in a breath. Sam and Dean needed him right now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of updated ship tags.

Sam breathed a deep sigh of relief when he threw the holy water on Dean, and nothing happened. He was cured, his brother was back. He glanced at Castiel, who stood there motionless in the dungeon; his eyes fixed on Dean.

"He's okay," Sam announced. Castiel knew that, of course, but Sam needed to hear it, needed to reassure himself of it.

Dean was exhausted, barely coherent, and Sam and Cas together helped him to his bedroom and into bed. Castiel left to check on Hannah, and Sam moved to the front room and practically collapsed into a chair. He stared at the smooth wood table as if he could see the very molecules of the wood. He was so engrossed in his thoughts; he almost didn't hear Castiel come back into the room. Almost. He glanced up as the angel entered the room and sat down across from him.

"How is your friend?" Sam asked with concern. He'd been so focused on Dean; he'd almost forgotten about the angel woman suffering in Castiel's room down the hall. He felt a pang of guilt for it, and as Castiel looked up at him, worry and concern plain on his face, he almost wished he hadn't asked.

"She's dying…" the angel murmured, emotion flashing in his blue eyes. Sam had never seen Castiel so shaken, so moved by emotion; he seemed to be barely holding it together. He paused for a while, trying to find the words to continue. "Whatever poison she was exposed to, I am unfamiliar with it. It's contaminating her grace and turning it into poison. She's in a lot of pain, I put her to sleep, but my sedation powers won't last long. Sam… am I selfish?"

"Selfish?" Sam squinted, puzzled. "Why do you say that?"

"She asked me to kill her," he said. "Begged me to. She's suffering, and I don't know how to save her. It perhaps would be kinder for me to do as she asked, but I can't… I don't want her to die."

Sam sighed. This sounded all too familiar. "Yeah, I know how that is," he said. The memory of Dean taunting him, imploring him to stop the treatments, and to kill him perhaps were all still fresh in his mind. "Dean and I have been in that situation more times than we can count."

"I remember," Castiel said thoughtfully. "When you lost your soul. When Dean tricked you into letting Gadreel possess you to save your life."

"Yeah…" Sam trailed off. "And maybe it is selfish. I certainly called him selfish for it. Because he didn't do it for me, he did it for him. And I denied it then, but I just proved that I'd do the same exact thing if it were him. I…," he trailed away again as he thought of the innocent man who lost his life because of Sam's desperation to save his brother.

He realized how intimately he and Castiel knew each other by this point. And as he looked across at the angel, watched the pain and sorrow clearly etched in his eyes, he wished he could spare him this pain. He knew Castiel wasn't used to emotion, especially something so profound. How could he make him understand? 

Castiel seemed to pick up on it. He and Sam locked eyes with one another, and in the depth of those blue eyes, Sam could tell that Cas had questions he wasn't sure how to answer yet.

"Dean said something about an innocent man being sacrificed," Castiel said slowly. "What did he mean by that, Sam? What did you do?"

Sam pursed his lips. He tried to sort out his thoughts, tried to think of how he wanted to proceed. "I was desperate to find him. I mean one minute I'm carrying his dead body in my arms, the next minute he's a demon. I didn't mean for it to happen."

Sam paused, finding it hard to continue, fixing his gaze back on the table, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. "I used a man as bait to summon a crossroad demon, and then I wasn't able to get to him in time before she made the deal… and he died."

"Sam…" Sam could hear the disappointment in Castiel's voice, and he winced. He deserved the judgment. But when he looked back up to meet the angel's gaze, he just shook his head.

"I didn't mean for it to happen, but you know what? That's what happens when you love someone, Cas. Dean and I have both done some dumb ass things to save each other. To save you."

"I suppose I am guilty of this as well," Castiel admitted. There was a long moment of silence between them. Then, Castiel's next question had Sam stumbling over his words.

"Do you love me, Sam?" he blurted out. Sam coughed and met Castiel's eyes. His blue eyes searched Sam's, and Sam wasn't sure how to answer. He realized that Castiel wasn't too aware of that emotion and was searching for clarification, but, as Sam thought about it, he felt that twinge of longing. 

"Well, you and I are friends," he said slowly. "But… I suppose there are different degrees of love. Different types. You have to search your feelings for which one you are feeling."

Castiel thought about that. "I find I am having trouble understanding what I am feeling," he admitted. "These… emotions, angels have no use for them. They get in the way. But I can't shake them."

"You're talking to a Winchester about emotions," Sam smirked, raising a brow. After all, he thought to himself; he was practically brought up in a shroud of angst, guilt, sorrow, aggression, and the need to suppress it all. "Yeah, man, I understand. But you know sometimes emotions can be an asset. Even for an angel. They provide you with a conscience. Make you think about your actions, make you care about other people. Dean and I couldn't do our job without them. And yeah, even for us, humans who were born with them, they still overwhelm us. It's just something you have to learn to deal with."

"I told her that emotions got in the way," Castiel replied, narrowing his eyes in regret and confusion. "I told her they were dangerous temptations, which we had to keep our priorities straight. But when I saw her… so wounded and hurt, leaking grace and blood, it was as if the very priorities I warned her about were forgotten. I felt… many things."

"Tell me what you felt," Sam insisted, though he could imagine how he'd feel in that situation. He got up from the table, walked around, and sat down in the seat beside Cas, needing to be a little closer, to provide comfort and support as the angel tried to sort through his emotions.

"Anger. At Adina for hurting her, and at myself for being too ill to prevent it from happening. If it weren't for Crowley…" He looked at Sam. "I owe my life and hers to Crowley, Sam."

"Yeah, I never saw that one coming either," Sam responded, thinking about the king of hell. He'd never imagined that the demon would have stepped up in that way. And as much as he didn't want to admit it, if it weren't for Crowley taking care of demon Dean the way he did, regardless of his motives, things could have been much worse for his brother.

"If Adina weren't already dead, I would have killed her," Castiel continued, looking at Sam in disbelief. "I would have killed another angel. Something I try very hard not to do, Sam. I have so much angel blood on my hands already, and each one I kill hurts me… but I would have drained the life out of Adina if I could have, not for what she had done to me, but for hurting Hannah." He took a breath. "And I felt fear. Dread. I still feel that. Whenever I think of her dying, I feel as though I am the one in pain."

"You have it bad don't you," Sam didn't need to be a psychiatrist to know why this was happening to the angel, why he was in such turmoil over the suffering of one angel when he'd seen so many others suffer.

"Have what, Sam?" Castiel asked innocently, glancing at Sam in confusion. "What do I have?"

"You are in love with her," Sam said simply. 

"We are friends, colleagues," Castiel insisted. Sam smiled as he heard his earlier words echoed. "She is a good soldier; I could not have stopped Metatron without her. And we've spent some time together hunting these rogues. She's been… distraught over my condition. Distraught enough to try to strike a deal with Metatron."

"Wait, come again?" Sam asked. "She made a deal with Metatron?"

"She tried to," Castiel explained. "I got to her before she could. She was going to trade his freedom for my grace. I couldn't allow it, and I couldn't allow another angel to die to replenish it."

Sam sighed. Castiel and Hannah both harbored feelings for one another, feelings neither one of them really understood, but they were plain enough for anyone else to see. It was almost ironic. There had been very few times in his life that Sam felt those types of feelings. And he knew that for all of his prowess when it came to romance, Dean had rarely felt that kind of connection with someone either. It was ironic that a pair of angels with very little understanding of what it was like to feel that type of emotion could develop that kind of passion for one another.

Yet, there was that hint of self-doubt, as he gazed at Castiel, locking eyes with him, feeling a twinge of that when their eyes met. Had it really been so long since he felt those feelings, or had he just not realized he was feeling them until now? He wasn't sure.

"Well, Cas," Sam said, getting to his feet. "Don't give up. On Hannah or Dean. Because you and I, we're going to save them both. I'm going to go out and get my brother some cholesterol, and then I'm going to do some research on angel poisons, and we're going to take care of them. And you know what else, somehow, someway, we are going to save you too. Sound good?"

Castiel looked at Sam with a look of utter gratitude, "yes," he agreed as Sam got his things and headed for the door. He felt a surge of determination. He just had to get through this crisis. Help Hannah, and maybe, just maybe, he'd begin to address these feelings. But for now, he'd wait.

  
  



End file.
